Lately I have been feeling a lot of gratitude for coming back to myself. I didn’t realize how much I lost myself, shrank my energy and voice, hid myself and my body overtime. I was burnt out and depressed and the person I thought I could lean on was only drowning me more.
I’ve been upset with myself on occasion for having setbacks (while also reminding myself that healing isn’t linear). I realize now that I am not regressing in my healing but that it only really just began. I was trying to heal for so many years but never realized that I couldn’t heal in the environment I was in. Seeing a therapist helped me to open my eyes and better understand why I couldn’t heal.
There is no denying that changing my environment has helped me to improve my mental health, come back to myself and my business, get in shape and out of the depressive state I had been stuck in for years—and while wearing whatever the fuck I want. You can’t deny that I haven’t looked this healthy and happy in years. That should speak volumes.
I lived in fight or flight for the last 6 years of my life, blaming myself because I am the broken one with PTSD. My pacemaker company would call me regularly because I was going into arrhythmias each time I had PTSD. My actual fucking health was on the line. My dog was losing hair, which resolved as well.
I walked away after having open heart surgery and being off work for two months with an empty savings and no money. I didn’t care about the struggles I would face, the lack of funds to support being on my own or the turmoil it would cause. I am now fighting for my kids’ home, that I put nearly $14,000 down to buy (while the other party was just a name on the document).
Point #1: always protect yourself. Words mean nothing. I verbalized multiple times that this home was the only thing I could leave my kids if I die and some greedy man feels entitled to half of it. My other point: those issues that never get resolved will never go away. I tried my best. I did everything I possibly could. All that did was deteriorate my health and put me in a depressive state with constant dissociation.
Your choice of partner affects your health and wellbeing. It affects every aspect of your life. Being the helper and people pleaser that I was, I would give the shirt off my back to anyone—without expecting anything in return. The only thing that does is enable behaviors and patterns while your own needs aren’t being met.
Point #2, If I could go back, I would have thrown in the towel years ago. Three years ago to be specific. That’s when I realized things were not okay; they never really were. I wasted years of my life begging someone to respect me and make me feel safe. Chasing the highs after every low. Years of begging to be seen and heard. I think deep down I feared the idea of failure with divorce. The person who would comfort me was the same person I needed comfort from.
My inbox is open to anyone who feels like they can’t start over. Please keep in mind that I am human and have ADHD and am not always the best at replying. I always suggest doing your best, making the effort and trying everything you can. But don’t fucking stay because of a piece of paper, what society thinks, or because you think that is what love is. Love is supposed to be a safe space. Love should help you grow, not hold you back. Did any of us every really learn what love is or is not?
I am in the best shape I’ve been in, happy, healthier and having the best sex of my life. Even if I do have to sell my house, peace is fucking priceless. You only have this one life and tomorrow is never promised so give yourself every chance you can to find happiness. Sometimes it takes going through a shit storm and starting over.
I can’t wait for this chapter to finally close so I can truly move on and enjoy my life without watching my back and stressing over my home.